


A Spirit In The Vine

by Salon_Kitty



Category: The Path (TV)
Genre: Depictions of Abuse, M/M, drug tripping, dub con at the start, mental/emotional manipulation, mind expansion, past trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:09:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6957772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salon_Kitty/pseuds/Salon_Kitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cal looks for a connection to find the truth and currently, it's Eddie who's seeing it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This turns AU very quickly. I wrote it in the week between Refugees and The Shore, so some of the immediate situations will ignore Cal ending up in the Lanes' backyard or driving to Milton. I was loath to throw this away, however, so I'm posting it with plans to update it once I've absorbed the finale and can factor its lingering implications into this narrative. Basically, this fic is an excuse to explore both mens' backgrounds.

 

 

 

***

_You can go out there and smile. But you’re an alcoholic salesman. Just like your father_

 

The words were still ringing in Cal’s ears.

 

He was exhausted, barely lucid, but couldn’t seem to conjure up the motivation to move from his station on the stone hearth, the neck of an empty bottle still dangling between his fingers. In his other hand he clutched his cell phone, the locked screen still black. Cal continued to stare bleary-eyed at the gleaming tiles of his floor, the blood mysteriously absent. The rug that had lain across it was now deep in the earth, wrapped around Silas’s cold and wet body. Sun rays coming in through the window hit a patch in front of his feet and the tile practically sparkled. This wouldn’t do. It didn’t look right. It was _too_ clean – sterile, antiseptic. Something had been lost here. Had been stripped bare.

 

Cal felt the sweat beaded at his neck trickle down the groove of his back, but the creeping discomfort still failed to inspire any action from him. The trip to the outskirts of the compound’s acreage had happened in a blur, as was stuffing Silas into the trunk of his car. But it had to have happened. The proof was before him, where Silas was no longer lying lifeless in a congealed pool of blood. What little he could remember was bathed in bold blue and red lights: Isiah scaring the shit out of him, the jarring spectacle of Mary’s father’s scowling face, no understanding of the context in which he appeared. Somehow, Cal had made it out to that spot where he’d dragged Eddie just the week before. He’d managed to find the hole, could see it had been half-filled, covered with the down of fresh leaves. Eddie had likely gone back with the intention of closing it up. But the dirt had been loose enough that Cal had been able to dig it back out in barely any time at all. In fact, it felt like a fleeting few minutes before his feet had settled on packed earth, back on the floor that Eddie had carved into the ground. Light had slowly bloomed around him as he worked. A snowy owl stood watch from its perch, as imperious as Silas gazing from on high. It reminded him of Silas’ falcon. Who would take care of it now, he wondered with a deafening guilt.

 

At some point he’d miraculously made it home without crashing – he emptied the bottle off around the time he got behind the wheel again. After cleaning up what remained of the mess, Cal assumed he must have passed out for a bit. Everything felt dream-like now, the growing light in the front room happening in a time lapse like a sped up film. The entire house gave off a stifling heat even though he hadn’t moved the temperature gauge and it was freezing outside. Cal needed to move. He needed to sleep. He needed Steven to tell him what to do.

 

The thought made him finally shift from where he sat and twist around to peer up at the Eye. The wood looked warm in the hazy light and Cal waited, waited for a sign, for Steve’s voice, for something. Anything.

 

 _The movement is dead_ , Silas whispered behind him. But the Eye stayed silent. He watched it for a long moment, unblinking, his jaw set. And then he remembered.

 

Sarah. Sarah would help him.

 

Cal swiped the screen of his phone, quickly replaying the message Sarah had left for him now that he could listen with a clear head. _Cal, where the fuck have you been? I need you to tell me…_ Cal sucked in a sinewy breath, her voice another condemnation. She wanted to know about Eddie, not him. He’d missed the vote; he’d expected her to be worried. People would be worried about him, surely. Perhaps not Bill and Felicia, but his followers would, the ones who believed in him. He punched in another name on his screen, noticing the time before putting the phone to his ear. It was early but hardly the crack of dawn. Finally, someone picked up on the fourth ring.

 

“Cal? Where are you?” a groggy Eddie demanded, his voice hushed. “What happened?”

 

“I’m at my place,” Cal answered serenely, as though he’d been in the same spot the entire night.

 

“I went by there late. Sarah wanted me to check on you, but you weren’t home.” His voice wavered with the vibrato of being in motion, until there was an echo to his whispers. Cal assumed Eddie had closed himself off in the bathroom and was glad for it. He suddenly realized it wasn’t Sarah that he should be talking to. She would know right away, would see what he had done without him having to say a word. But Cal wasn’t well, that much was clear. Sarah’s pity would gain him nothing. It was Eddie he needed. It was Eddie who would give him answers.

 

“Where the hell were you?” Eddie tried again, as gruff as a jostled bear. “You’re the one who wanted it put to a vote. I thought this was important for you.”

 

“Yes,” he said, trying for normalcy. “I … something came up.”

 

“Something came _up_?”

 

“Yes, it was – look, it was unavoidable. But I can’t talk about it right now. I need to know when you’re leaving on the Walk.”

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Yes, Eddie, I’m serious. Have you told Sarah yet?”

 

“Yeah, I told her,” Eddie snarled. “She wasn’t happy about it.”

 

“I know. But when are you leaving?” Eddie couldn’t go just yet. Eddie had something to share, something that Cal needed to understand.

 

It was quiet for a moment and then a long sigh. “Look, we’re trying to work it out right now. I’ll do the Walk, okay? But it might not be till Friday before I leave.”

 

Cal exhaled with relief. “Good,” he said. “That’s good. I need to talk to you before you go.”

 

“About what?”

 

“Just … just come and meet me tonight. Actually, come as early as you can. Tell Sarah you won’t be there for dinner. I’ll be waiting for you at Hank’s cabin.”

 

It went silent on the other end again.

 

“Did you hear me? Alison won’t go back there, Eddie.” It was a location ideally removed from the compound while still retaining a proper intimacy. The fact that Eddie had stashed her there in the same safe zone that Cal had hidden away Miranda gave the place some relevance for them both.

 

“Fine,” he rasped. “Meanwhile, you’d better come up with a better explanation for your no-show. Sarah will be on your doorstep as soon as she gets to the compound.”

 

“Tell her I’m sick.” That was hardly a lie. “I was throwing up all night. I need to be left alone.”

 

“What about ICE? What about the fucking helicopters? Are you even interested in how the vote went? You got your wish, by the way.”

 

“Great. That’s great,” he said, his voice flat. “Just make sure you tell Sarah you’ll be gone all night. It’s … it’s 7R stuff. Oh, and Eddie – don’t eat anything today.” He ended the call, setting his phone down on the hearth, beams of light still bouncing from the floor. Cal dropped his forehead to raised knees and wrapped his arms around his legs, rocking lightly as he waited vainly for Steve to answer him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was just getting dark by the time Eddie showed up.

 

Cal sat bundled in his coat, waiting on the porch in the long shadows. A hemp rucksack hung from his shoulder, its weight keeping him steady. The whiskey inured him to the cutting wind, but he also suspected he was still in a state of shock. Long gaps of time were missing as he wondered where the day had gone. But as evening had loomed closer, Cal had regained a sudden sense of urgency anticipating Eddie’s mood. He still had questions of his own and it was imperative that Eddie answer them. What had once comforted him in their budding relationship now vexed him with Eddie’s betrayal. He’d obviously been away too long. Eddie had been lost to him as much as the man was lost to himself.

 

The Mustang pulled up in a growling huff, the dirt kicking up as Eddie slammed on its brakes. He got out of the car, leaving the door open to illuminate his way up the steps.

 

“How long have you been sitting out here? It’s fucking freezing, Cal,” he said by way of a greeting.

 

“Not long,” Cal replied through stuttering teeth. “I am eager to get inside, though.”

 

As Eddie thumped up to the porch, Cal rose from the bench, watching Eddie fiddle with the keys before unlocking the door to let them in. He teetered for a moment, his arm shooting out for balance, and Eddie caught him, pushing him up against the wall with one hand. He reared his head back as he faced Cal, his mouth agape.

 

“Uh, whoa. What the fuck? When did you start drinking?”

 

Cal straightened and sniffed in response, rubbing at his nose. He probably reeked of liquor. He’d picked up another bottle on his ride over. But Eddie was the last person he could bullshit. “I just had a shot … I slipped.”

 

“Well, that’s just great.”

 

Eddie leaned in and flicked on the outside lamp before turning back to the car. Cal hustled inside and began switching on lamps, making his way over to the stove belly fireplace to open it up. Eddie came back in and shut the door while Cal fed the stove some wood. He was expedient in his task to get a fire going, but every inch of his body was aware of where the other man stood, Eddie glowering at him from a few feet away with enough heat to singe Cal’s back. Once the flames began licking the logs with a series of snaps and crackles, Cal turned and regarded Eddie. He needed to know, more than ever, what Eddie had seen.

 

“You said you saw Steve dying,” he began. “How? What exactly came to you in that vision? Did you tell Silas?”

 

Eddie’s mouth dropped open. “ _That’s_ what you want to talk about? How about, why the hell are you drinking again?” He crossed his arms as he shifted his weight, hip cocked guardedly. “Besides, I told you. It was … more of a feeling. I don’t know what I said to them. I mean, Miranda and Silas were both there, yeah, but … I don’t remember a whole lot of what Silas said to me after he pulled me away.” He paused, hesitant to add any more, but Cal opened his hands in expectation.

 

“But?” He jutted his chin. “You remember enough. Don’t you?” He stated the question with authority. Eddie was still keeping things from him.

 

Eddie tucked his hands in his jean pockets as he shrugged his shoulders forward. “Yeah, I … I can’t stop thinking about it.”

 

“So? What was it? I want you to tell me every detail, Eddie. We need to examine this. Unburden, finally, and let us hold it up to the light. You don’t know that what you saw was even _real_ , yet you were willing to lie – to me, to Sarah, to all of us. Why?”

 

“Because it _felt_ real. Johnny was –” but he shut up instantly, turning away from Cal in frustration.

 

“Johnny? You saw your brother?” The news made him recall Miranda's telling of the story. “Is that what you mean, Eddie? Your brother was in your vision?”

 

“Look, I don’t know what else you want from me, Cal. I said I’d do the Walk. I mean, do you really think I wanted _any_ of this? For my whole life to just turn to shit? I _need_ my family, and you know that. So you’ve got me over a barrel here, you win. Congratulations. Believe me, if I could forget it all, I would. To be able to go back and just … for everything to be the way it was.” Eddie looked pained as he stepped closer to Cal. “I tried, okay? You want to blow up my marriage? Turn Sarah and my kids against me? Is that what this is? You said that what I saw wasn’t true, but you really expect me to believe that Steve is still just hanging out writing the last rungs after all this time? I asked to see him, you know. When I was there. And I got turned down.”

 

Cal held his tongue as he watched the other man grow more agitated. If Silas hadn’t shown Eddie the room where Steve was being kept, then why was Eddie so sure? It plagued Cal, thinking of Silas’s claims that he talked to Steve when Cal had spent so much time alone begging Steve to communicate with him. It had to be lies, like everything else Silas had said. But now even Eddie seemed to know the truth. It wasn’t fair. He dropped the bag at his shoulder to the couch beside him and pried open its cinched mouth, going through its contents as the room gathered warmth. Eddie came a few steps closer so that Cal could see his boots in his sightline and for a second, he keeled to his left, the booze making him lightheaded. A hand gripped his arm to keep him upright but Cal dropped down to the couch with a gasp.

 

“Hey. What is this really about? Are you going to tell me what happened to you, or am I just supposed to guess? Obviously, some shit must have gone down.”

 

Cal pulled free a long black pouch, the aroma it carried immediately swarming around them both.

 

“I want you to take the medicine, Eddie.”

 

“Where’d you get that?” he said accusingly.

 

“I brought it back with me last time I was in Peru.”

 

 “You’re kidding, right?” Eddie knelt before him, his expression softening.  “I’ll tell you what I remember, okay? But why don’t we start with you, first? You haven’t had a drink in years, Cal. Tell me what happened,” he said patiently, palming Cal’s knee. He peered into Cal’s face with some measure of empathy. “The product of two drunks sitting right here with you, remember?”

 

“Yes, of course I remember.”

 

It had been the forge of their bond. Cal had been so jealous of Eddie once it became apparent that he and Sarah were screwing that he’d forced himself to hang out with the pair – looking for any reason, any excuse for why an angel like Sarah should stay away from this mess of a person – and instead had found a kinship with a surrogate brother, two people broken on the crucible of shitty parenting. It was part of the reason Eddie’s distance since their reunion had hurt so much. Sarah thought she understood because she’d known Cal’s father, had heard the stories of Brenda for years. But Sarah could never truly understand what it was like, what that shame and that pull felt like to live with every day. With Eddie, Cal had been excited to see him ascend on the Ladder because it meant he had someone close in UR to confide in, someone that wasn’t Sarah. Suddenly not having Steve in his life, he thought he could count on his friend to listen, someone to share his fears with, but he couldn’t ever show that weakness again, he realized that now. To be an effective leader meant that he had to be able to guide those around him, not the other way around. And guide he would. It would be a mistake to lose Eddie, to let him become a Denier.

 

“Are you going to tell me about Johnny?”

 

Eddie locked eyes with him for a moment, the two at an impasse. He finally sighed and sat back on his heels, gritting his teeth in the flex of his jaw.

 

“I, uh … I saw him. When I was under. He was right there, in the mezzanine.” Eddie stared off at the wall, lost in his recollection. “He didn’t want me to say anything, like it was a secret. And then he … you know, he walked away so that I would follow him. And so I did. He took me down a long hallway to a door. But he never spoke. Just … he was just so,” Eddie gulped as his voice caught, his eyes glistening in the firelight. “Um. It was like he was really standing there. I could touch him, if I wanted. Like it was yesterday, and we were both back home.” Eddie went quiet in contemplation, closing his eyes.

 

“And he showed you …? He took you to Steve?” Cal prompted, feeling a sweat break out across his forehead and under his arms.

 

“Yeah. The door, it opened. I saw … I saw a hospital bed. Machines, tubes. I could hear them, the monitor, the ventilator. Steve was lying there, hooked up to everything. And I knew. I felt it. He wasn’t … he wasn’t going to the Garden. He was dying. Like everybody else.” He swallowed again, licking his lips. “There was something … a snake. A giant snake. It was crawling over his body.”

 

Cal sat stunned, his lungs airless. He opened his mouth to comment, but nothing came out. How could Steve do this to him? Every moment he’d sought out the Eye, had begged Steve to speak to him. And always silence. No provocations, no words on how to become the new leader. _If there is one, he is not you._

He realized Eddie was studying him closely and snapped his mouth shut, shaking his head. “That’s … quite a vision. Perhaps … perhaps the Ladder is testing you.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I mean … maybe it’s your fear at work here, Eddie. Some part of you is afraid that … that you’re not worthy of the Light, so the Medicine was revealing these doubts to you because you need to confront them. To find the root of these troubles.”

 

“Oh, what, so now you’re going to counsel _me?_ Should we throw back another shot of whiskey first?”

 

“Look, this isn’t about my drinking,” Cal shot back with raised voice. Instantly, he tried to calm himself, his head still swimming. “I … I received some bad news about my mother, okay? I had to deal with her and … she provoked me … _iiit_ , uh … it wasn’t pretty.”

 

Eddie arched an eyebrow but said nothing.

 

“But what I’m trying to say here is that … I mean, it’s not surprising, really, why you saw these things. You’re getting closer to the end, closer to the top rung. It’s only natural that these fears would spring up.”

 

“That’s not what it felt like, Cal.”

 

“Well, it doesn’t matter what it felt like because it’s not true!” he yelled. “Steve is fine! I've seen him. He’s hard at work, in lock down.” He took a breath, his rage creeping up again, but he grabbed Eddie by the wrist and matched the other man’s intense gaze, his eyes burning as he sought to change Eddie’s mind. “Let me work with you, Eddie. Take the medicine again. I’ll be your guide this time. We can get to the bottom of this. The reasons you’re feeling this way, why your brother came to you. You know you need to do this as much as you need to go on Steve’s Walk. I really believe this will help.”

 

“So … I should just _trust_ you then?” he said snidely.

 

“More than I should trust you. Miranda told me what really happened and I said nothing. Not to you and especially not to Sarah. Because I was waiting, Eddie. Waiting for you to undburden, to rid yourself of this guilt. I kept your secret. But doesn’t it feel good to get it out? Hiding Alison, lying about Miranda Frank? Finally telling me what’s been bothering you all this time? Let me help you, Eddie. Let me guide you back to the Light, back on your path.”

 

Eddie stared at the pouch still gripped in Cal’s hand, biting his lip with furrowed brows.

 

“Sarah doesn’t have to know anything about this.”

 

“Stop … threatening me with her,” Eddie rumbled.

 

“I’m not. You keep insisting that I’m after your wife, Eddie. Why? It’s a delusion. I love Sarah, of course I do. But in the same way I feel about you. And I would never … you’re reading the situation all wrong. What’s happened since I’ve been gone? You never talked this way before I left.”

 

Eddie sighed wearily. “You _love_ me, like you love Sarah? Why do I not believe that for a second?”

 

“Because you’re not a believer. You’re confused. You want to doubt what’s right in front of you, Eddie. Let’s re-open your consciousness. Bring all of this damage to the surface. Face all of the lies. You went through IRP for a transgression you never even committed,” he cracked, still incredulous at the lengths Eddie went to in order to evade the truth. “I can’t just send you in for Realignment, that’s not enough. But I’m not ready to give up on you yet. 7R is about reflection, Eddie, so let us reflect … and commune.” He heard Silas repeat the words in his head, saw his mouth gawp for air with horrified eyes, the blood gushing. _I see you, Calvin. I always have._

Eddie gave a dry, mirthless laugh as he turned away, staring off again as he considered Cal’s offer. After a moment, he faced Cal with a strained smile. “Well, before you make that tea, you need to sober up. I don’t need you fucking up the recipe. So, if you promise to drink some coffee, I’ll do it. I’ll take the Medicine. Deal?”

 

“Deal.”

 

He usually preferred tea but Eddie was right. He would need to clear his head to make the brew. There would be opportunity for more conversation, in the meantime.

 

“I guess we’ve got a long night ahead of us then,” Eddie said, as if he’d been reading Cal’s thoughts. “If you’re planning on making this batch fresh. You get your vine ready. I’m going to start a pot of coffee.”

 

Eddie stood up and moved towards the little kitchen with a lurching determination. Cal took a moment to breathe out, sinking back against the brightly colored squares of the crotchet blanket draped across the sofa. This would have to work. It was all he had at the moment. There was something inside Eddie that held an answer like a thick, scabrous egg waiting to be cracked open, an opal in its depths. Cal would pry him open with whatever tools he had at his disposal. If Steve had chosen to talk to Eddie, then he would discover his message soon enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

_***_

 

“How’s the medicine coming, Cal?”

 

Eddie called out from behind him, sunk in the grandfather chair as Cal filled another pot with water, low bubbling sounds coming from the duo on the stove.

 

“Going good,” he answered, dipping a wooden spoon into the mixture of wilted strands from the shredded vine and the bright green leaves. He’d already smashed up the bark with a hammer prior to filling the pouch and he’d brought enough for two pots. “I’m glad Hank’s got that slow cooker here. I need a third container for the runoff. But having enough material to fill two vats is going to speed up the process by several hours.”

 

“You need some more coffee?”

 

Cal glanced back at Eddie with a grin. “No, I think three cups would be overkill. I’m doing much better, thank you.” He was just pleased he hadn’t vomited again after emptying everything out of his stomach earlier that morning. Watching Eddie get sick was going to be a chore, though.

 

“As long as you know what you’re doing,” Eddie said, that wrinkle above his left eyebrow appearing to denote his concern. “Which rung did you have to learn this stuff anyway?”

 

“Not until 9R, when things start really getting down to business. When there’s no turning back.” He fit the lid over the pot after he was done stirring, turning the heat down to let the combination simmer.  Cal moved from the small kitchen to walk into the front room. He perched himself on the coffee table across from Eddie.

 

“What does that mean? It felt like getting down to business right from the beginning.” Eddie took a sip of his tea, warily studying Cal over his cup.

 

“Of course. I just meant … that’s when it becomes less about you, and more about … well, how to start taking care of the Movement. When you realize that you have a responsibility to this place, to Steve, to everything the Light has shown us.” Eddie still didn’t look convinced and Cal quickly slipped into teacher mode, a role that always put him immediately at ease. “So much of the Ladder is about investigating our own selves, reaching in deep down and dragging out all the damage, all of the disappointment, really finding out who we are. But once you’ve ascended high enough, that’s when you start to feel like … you see _everything_. The whole picture. The way it all works. And you’re a part of it. Not just of the community, but of that sacred space where you’re finally able to see all of the possibilities, all of Steve’s vision realized and right there within our grasp.”

 

“Hmm. And what about all of these recent new changes?” Eddie said. “I thought you wanted Sarah to stop working with the medicine. Isn’t that part of your plan now? No more hippie stuff, dragging us all into the millennium by turning us corporate? You know, we’re on big time news stations now. Is this going to be the new vision, Cal?”

 

“It’s not my plan. It’s Steve’s plan. You disapprove?”

 

“I didn’t say that. I’m just curious. You yell at my wife for sending that rich kid to Silas to take the medicine, but now you decide it’s just what I need? Make up your mind, Cal.”

 

Cal chuckled in spite of his exhaustion. “Well, it’s not quite the same thing. Let me ask you – when you were at the retreat, how many times did Silas have you go under?”

 

Eddie scowled. “Once was enough, don’t you think? That brew is disgusting. He … we had a talk in his room after I calmed down, once I stopped tripping balls. I told him I saw Johnny and where he took me. He didn’t seem to think I needed to repeat the experience.”

 

Cal suspected Eddie was still lying to him, but Silas’s actions suggested the man had already turned on the movement. He recalled the smug tones when he’d inquired about Eddie after Miranda had gone into the hospital. _There you go, everything you need to know, you know. You’re 10R after all._ Cal had known Eddie was hiding something, he just hadn’t known what, and Silas mocking him for it should have been the first clue that things had changed. _Don’t you?_

 

 “Well, that’s not exactly accurate, though. You wouldn’t be repeating the experience; it would be different. Each time we drink, we transcend to another layer of our consciousness. The plant spirit brought up all of this existing pain you still needed to deal with but you didn’t actually do that, did you? Your work isn’t finished, Eddie. No wonder you’re feeling so off-kilter. Frankly, I’m surprised that Silas didn’t make you take more that very same night.”

 

Eddie set down his cup and leaned forward, his eyes boring into Cal. “Do you really believe that? That some sacred spirit showed me Doc dying for a reason other than what it made me feel?”

 

“I do,” he answered quickly. “You’re looking at this vision too literally, Eddie, when that isn’t the point of it at all. The Light shows us what we need to know so that we can go further, so that we can unlock those secrets inside of each of us.”

 

“Yeah?” Eddie rasped in a smoky voice. “And what are your secrets, Cal?”

 

The men held each other’s gaze for a long moment before Cal finally looked down at his hands. “You know what they are,” he said softly.

 

“I do? Maybe you need to remind me.”

 

Cal glanced up sharply. “I’m an alcoholic, okay? I know that. It’s my burden; it will always be this stone around my neck. The medicine helped me and for a long time I thought I was cured. But now … I realize it’s up to me to be diligent about this. To remain focused. I won’t make that mistake again.”

 

A flash of doubt crossed Eddie’s features before he molded them back into a cool detachment. “Do you talk to Sarah about this stuff?” He nudged his chin in Cal’s direction. “I mean, that is what she does, after all.”

 

There was a brief hesitation before Cal answered truthfully. “I do. Sometimes. She can be extremely helpful, but … there are times when she’s simply spouting Steve’s words and I know what she’s going to say next. It’s practically verbatim out of the Book, and while that may work on a kid like Freddie Ridge, I know her. It’s like she doesn’t want to see the truth.”

 

Eddie studied him for a long minute again. “Yeah,” he finally sighed, picking up his mug and staring forlornly into its depths. “I don’t – I don’t know what to tell her any more. She knows something’s wrong.”

 

“Well, good,” Cal said. “That’s good, Eddie. Now we’re getting somewhere. I can’t imagine this has been easy on anyone. And with all of these problems with Hawk.” He bent forward to look up into Eddie’s eyes. “Sarah’s relying on you, Eddie, to keep the family intact. And you’re not being honest with her. You know you can’t continue this.”

 

“You know exactly what she’ll do if I tell her,” Eddie snapped. “That’s why you’re holding this over my head. She’ll kick me out. I love her more than anything in this world, but I know her better than you do, Cal, and Sarah … she won’t forgive this. She’ll think I betrayed her.”

 

“So then you have nothing to lose by trying this again,” Cal said. “If you ever really believed, Eddie, then you need to find that conviction buried within you and hold on to it this time. You can’t just pretend. You have to mean it. Otherwise … you don’t deserve her. Or your kids.”

 

Eddie gritted his teeth. “Look, fuck you, okay? Who are you to have any say in what happens to my family?”

 

“I stood right behind you the day you and Sarah took your marriage vows together. I know what she means to you, alright? I’ve been watching you, Eddie, since Steve let you in the gates. I mean, Christ, you helped build this campus! You’ve been part of this community for as long as you and Sarah have been growing your family. Does none of that mean anything to you anymore? Why are you so quick to let one moment, one _vision_ , disrupt all of that? Isn’t that what this is really about? What happened in _you_ , Eddie? Why the change? It can’t just be about what happened in Cuzco.”

 

“What, you think I was feeling this before I ever left?”

 

“Were you? Were the seeds already there?”

 

Eddie appeared stunned for a moment. “I – I don’t think so. I mean, no. No, that’s not how it happened.”

 

“And you’re sure about this?”

 

“I don’t know! All right! What do you want me to say, Cal?”

 

Cal straightened his back as he pressed his hands to his thighs, assessing Eddie’s body language. He’d hit a nerve, that much was clear, as Eddie continued to fidget in his chair, anger simmering off of him like heat on asphalt. Cal just needed to follow through until he reached the root.

 

“I want you to be open when you take the medicine again, Eddie. It’s the only way it will work. You’ve been holding out on us. For who knows how long. Richard told me how your IRP went. He said you were one of the toughest cases he’s ever had. It took him almost the entire 14 days to get through to you, apparently. He had to give you almost double the usual regimen of juice, he said, especially since you used most of it up for some kind of art project all over the walls. And when you finally unburdened, there was all kinds of stuff that came up. He had no idea what you were talking about half the time.”

 

There it was. Finally, Eddie looked scared. Cal seized that fear like a wolf in a henhouse.

 

“You spoke to my guide?” His eyes widened as he set down his mug. “I thought that was between us. Why would you ask him that?”

 

“Because I owed it to Sarah. I knew there was more going on with you, Eddie, than a simple affair with some pretty Midwest groupie. And I was right. I saw it as soon as I came back from San Diego. When you spoke to the novices? I’ve watched you give that speech over a dozen times. But you could barely get through it that day. And now you’re telling me that the Light revealed your brother to you. Why do you think that is, Eddie?”

 

“You keep asking me these questions like I’m supposed to have it figured out! I told you. I don’t know why any of this happened.” Eddie stood up suddenly, his irritation swarming around him like wasps. He brushed a hand over his head as he let out a gust of breath, looking around the small room as though he might find an answer encrypted on the walls.

 

Cal stood up with him, moving close enough to reach for a shoulder. He grabbed onto Eddie and squeezed tight, switching his tone to one more soothing. “Hey, calm down. It might not seem like it, but I’m trying to help you, here. The Light is trying to tell you something. I’m simply attempting to show you how to decipher it. But we won’t find anything if you continue blocking me.”

 

He propped up Eddie’s chin and made him look him in the eye, the other man staring back in ice blue defiance. “I said before that we would become as one, Eddie. That’s why I wanted you in 7R so quickly. You need this. We both do. Open yourself up to me and we can get you through this. You want to stop lying to your family, don’t you?”

 

Instantly, Eddie’s eyes welled up, the light making them shimmer. “Yes,” he said thickly.

 

This was what Cal needed. Right there, in Eddie’s desperation. His own terror and helplessness fell away as he concentrated on peeling off each layer of Eddie’s defenses like the skins of an onion. He slid both hands to either side of Eddie’s neck and brought him closer so that Eddie couldn’t look away, couldn’t shut Cal out. Their heavy breaths mingled with the constant bubbling from the stove and the crackling of the fire, the air redolent with the promise of alchemy as the jungle smells of the vine intensified. The more that Cal stared into Eddie, the easier Silas slipped away. _Steve sent me. He isn’t happy with you._ No, Silas was gone, and Steve was fading daily, but Eddie … Eddie was solid, Eddie was someone that Cal could hold on to who didn’t make him feel ashamed like whatever he’d been doing with Mary. Even conjuring her face in this moment was painful. She was a temptation, just like the liquor. Eddie was a project that would put him back on track.

 

“You’ll see the Light again, Eddie. Trust me on this. You’ve been tested, but now we’re going to find out why.”

 

“Why are you so sure?”

 

Cal cocked his head. “Do you remember what you said about Steve, Eddie? That first time you spoke at Gathering?”

 

Eddie closed his eyes but nodded in answer. “I do,” he said in a small voice.

 

“You told us that Steve had shown you a way through the pain. That he made you feel there was something here worth living for. That Meyerism gave you a purpose. Do you remember that, Eddie?” He tightened his grip around Eddie’s neck as the man shook his head again with more conviction.

 

“This _is_ your home, Eddie. _This_ place. Surely that wasn’t bullshit.”

 

“No,” Eddie gasped, his face flooded with emotion.

 

“And what you felt about Sarah. Was that bullshit?”

 

Eddie’s eyes flew open. “Never,” he said, his hands curling around Cal’s wrists. Their faces were so close, but Cal had to see every micro-movement, every bat of an eyelash, every tic in his cheek or flex of a jaw. The warmth of the room and the aroma of the vine were suddenly cloying, as Cal drank in the strong scent of the man in his clutch. Eddie smelled of the forests, of the earth, a faint whiff of sandalwood and citrus from an aftershave lingering on his skin. While Cal was coherent, his earlier drunkenness dulled by the caffeine, he had a brief sense of the surreal as a lush eroticism crept through him, a vivid flash of Mary’s neck, hearing those sounds that he’d made as he’d watched her fingers trail down, down, down …

 

“What are you doing?” Eddie said sharply.

 

Cal pulled his hands away. “I’m not doing anything, Eddie.” There was a clatter from the stove and Cal glanced in its direction, the lid dancing across the top of the pot. “Let me take care of this and you sit down. You need some more of that tea?”

 

“I’ve had enough. I’ve never been much of a fan, sorry.”

 

“You want to piss as much as you can before the medicine, so keep drinking,” Cal directed.

 

“I told you, I’m full. In fact, I’m hitting the john right now.” Eddie got up to make his way to the small bathroom in the back of the house while Cal went back to tend to the stirring. The leaves of the _chacruna_ flitted across the top with the gurgling water. Silas always made sure to emphasize their contribution to the _aya_ , releasing the spirits of the woods into the broth would eventually thicken it to a syrupy black. He hadn’t prepared the brew in a long time but going through the process had him recalling all of Silas’s lessons. It was so strange to think that he wouldn’t ever be able to call Silas again. Wouldn’t ever be able to go to him for guidance. Cal had to be the new Silas now.

 

He heard the flush of the toilet a second before the door opened and Eddie came up behind him.

 

“How much longer, do you think?” he asked.

 

“Oh, at least another three hours for this stage, then another wash for four hours, but I’m going to use the cooker to start on the extraction after I filter these two. That’s another hour, and then a quick cool-off in the freezer,” Cal replied, feeling buoyant at the prospect of all that time in the cabin with Eddie. Everything felt purposeful in this moment, as if the night before had never happened. “I could have used any of the variety of DMT we have locked on the premises, you understand, but it’s important that we do it the full Quechuan way to ensure consistency of the visions. The double portions of the _B.caapi_ are going to make for a much more potent brew.”

 

“I won’t get out of here until breakfast,” Eddie lamented. “I’ll be on that stuff for at least three hours. What are we supposed to do while we wait?”

 

“What we’ve been doing,” Cal said confidently. “We keep talking.”

 

Eddie sighed deeply. “I guess. Although I think Hank’s got some board games around here.” He tucked his hands down the front of his pockets as he watched Cal work. “Sarah’s going to be pissed when I get home still flying, you realize. I’ll be out of it for a day at least. She’s gonna have to pack up both Hawk’s shit and mine.”

 

Cal turned to Eddie. “Hawk?”

 

Eddie looked abashed for a moment, as though he’d been caught in another lie. “Um, yeah. Hawk’s going with me. He wants to do the Walk.”

 

“That’s really meant to be done alone,” Cal said disapprovingly. “That why I’m sending you in the first place.”

 

“Yeah, I know, Cal. But the kid’s in pain. He needs this.”

 

His words to Eddie came back to haunt him. _And if you find at the end that you still don’t believe … keep walking_. Eddie would certainly come back if he had Hawk with him. Sarah would never allow him to take her son out of the movement. Cal wasn’t sure if this was a consolation or a distraction.

 

“I guess Ashley and her family didn’t think much of our assembly?”

 

“Mmm, something like that. I gather her mother was a little upset. Nicole said she ran out of the dentist’s office she was trying to hook her up with for work. Now Ashley doesn’t want anything to do with us, Hawk’s heartbroken, all that high school angst is in full force.” He shrugged. “The kid reminds me so much of myself at that age.”

 

“Really?” Cal countered. “I always thought you and your brother were little hellraisers, a couple of tough guys. Isn’t that what you said? You ran around like a pack of wild dogs, got into trouble with the law, caused all kinds of grief for your family?”

 

“Well, not exactly. I mean, yeah, we were trouble. But, that’s because things were fucked up back at home.”

 

Eddie had leaned back against the counter and Cal followed suit, standing a few inches from him as he crossed his arms over his stomach.

 

“You know, I still remember all those late-night conversations you and I and Sarah would have in the dorms. Do you remember that? We would talk until the sun came up and then stumble around the next day in training until one of us got a lecture. Or that time we stole into the barn and got stoned under the full moon coming through the windows? Do you remember what happened?”

 

A wrinkle appeared in Eddie’s forehead as eyes narrowed. “Um, vaguely.”

 

“You kept goading us to strip? Remember? You got all the way down to your underwear before Sarah would even take off her top. And then you roped me into it by promising you’d do all of my work over at the new irrigation system the next day if I dropped trou.”

 

Eddie looked away, his jaw clenched. “Okay. If you say so. I was stoned, I don’t recall the details.”

 

Cal pushed further, his memories becoming more vivid as he continued the story. “I think I was really nervous, to be honest. You knew I liked Sarah. That I might have been in love with her. I thought you were toying with me. Trying to make me look foolish in front of her; painfully earnest little me next to smooth Eddie Lane. Eddie getting all the young novices into a frenzy with his bad boy ways.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about? You were the star of the campus. Doc’s golden boy. They were all looking at you, not me.”

 

A laugh escaped him. “Funny that that’s how you saw it. But you got me to do it, anyway. Do you even remember what happened after that? Once we were all sitting there in our underwear?” How their bodies had been luminous in the moonlight, Sarah’s skin glowing as they huddled by the massive windows. Cal had felt happy in that moment, even if he was jealous of the way that Sarah continually glanced at Eddie with that quixotic half-smile, her eyes sparkling. His whole body had been electrified, his excitement obvious in the bulge of his boxers but the pot making him unconcerned.

 

Eddie would only shake his head, still refusing to look at him as Cal pressed on.

 

“It was freezing that night. It must have been October because we’d just had Ascension Day the week before. And you kept saying we had to keep each other warm by getting as close as possible. And then you showed us that cool little move by taking a toke on our joint and then passing the smoke into Sarah’s mouth? And she passed it on to me, and then,” he paused for a moment, struck suddenly by how potent that vision had become. “And then, when it was my turn to blow the smoke into your mouth, you clasped my neck and held me there. And then all of a sudden we were kissing.” His face warmed at the memory of it and he chuckled again as he turned to Eddie.

 

“I was shocked at first. But I didn’t pull away because it felt like a dare. And I didn’t want to let you win. Then I felt Sarah touching my face.” Those gentle strokes down the side of his neck, across his chest, the heat from both of their bodies making him dizzy. Sarah’s breasts against his arm and Eddie’s tongue in his mouth turning his cock to lead.

 

“What are you getting at, Cal? We were just goofing off. We were kids.”

 

But sex had been confusing for Cal then. Steve had told him he was destined for great things, and that part of that responsibility meant he had to learn how to do without, had to learn to keep clean and pure so that the Light could work through him. That while a family was important, to lead meant sometimes it was necessary to remain unfettered. He had to be alone in order to receive the will of the Light, just like Steve. In that moment, however, all he’d wanted was to touch them and to be touched. He’d grabbed for them, clutched body parts like they were life vests and he was adrift in an ocean. Sarah had done this with him before, when they’d crawl under his sheets and pretend the Future had come and he would paw at her while his ears pounded, their kisses searing his lips, until he’d drive her away. But that night, he would have done anything for either of them.

 

“What I’m getting at is that we were close. The three of us. So when it became obvious that you two were getting serious, I convinced myself I was okay with it. That I was happy for you. I saw you, you know. All those times you’d skip off with her in the middle of the day? I saw what was going on.”

 

“What?” Eddie straightened up and finally met Cal’s gaze. “You saw us where?”

 

“Out in the woods,” he said coolly. “I followed you once because I was curious. You had a blanket rolled up under one arm and Sarah’s hand in the other and the two of you skulked off like bandits through the trees over by the water tanks. I kept a decent distance but once we got into the thicket it was easy to follow you. I could hear Sarah’s laugh trill on the wind as you two ran ahead. Even when it got quiet I seemed to know where to go, tracking bent branches and your footsteps in the dirt.”

 

He heard Sarah before he actually saw them. Her moans carried through the dense forest like a siren’s song and he was helpless, overcome, as he was pulled forward. When she’d appeared up ahead in a clearing, Cal had dodged behind the back of a giant maple. He’d stood there, fascinated, the bark rough against his skin while he’d watched Sarah’s face morph through a series of changes, every moment of pleasure written upon her, those tiny gasps, the way her body arched so that her bare breasts angled to the sky, pointy and flushed, hair strewn across the lush grass, the way her mouth opened as she cried out. She was a vision, and seeing her like this made his heart lurch, her goodness emanating from her like a cloud of butterflies. And then hands were on her, as if disconnected, crawling up from her stomach and stroking her nakedness. It wasn’t until he’d dared to peek around the trunk’s edges that he saw Eddie’s head buried between her creamy thighs, the dawning realization that he could do that for her, turn his Sarah into this moaning nymph, swept Cal up in a power that scared him. He watched them until she came, her cries piercing the air so that a flurry of birds broke through the treetops in protest. Cal crept away with a brick in his throat, the onslaught of loneliness dragging him down with every stealthy step until he’d been far enough away from them that he could break into a run.

 

He snapped out of his thoughts as Eddie’s angry face loomed in, the stance of his body instantly threatening as he hovered over Cal. “Wait a minute. You’re telling me you spied on us? What the _fuck_ , Cal?”

 

“I didn’t know you were fucking her until that moment,” he stated, standing his ground with arms still crossed. “I should have realized it the night the three of us almost … well, anyway, the proof was staring me in the face. And I accepted it. You won. Sarah … wanted you. Because she loves you, Eddie. She would do anything for you. And in return, you’ve lied to her, turned her whole world upside down. Don’t you think you she deserves better than this?”

 

“Are you still drunk or something? Because you seriously need to watch what the fuck you’re saying here. Don’t play these games with me, Cal. She’s my _wife_. I know who she is, okay? What she feels. Of course she deserves better, you don’t think I know that? I’ve tried to do everything in my power to make things the way they were. But I _can’t_.”

 

“Good. Good, Eddie.” He snagged Eddie’s shirtsleeve between fingers, drawing him near. “This is the direction we need to be going. Start to churn everything up. What you were feeling the first time you saw Steve. When you saw your brother. Think of Sarah’s face after she found out about Miranda Frank. What are you truly afraid of? Why are you cutting yourself off from the Light?”

 

Eddie groaned loudly as he pulled away from Cal, running fingers through his hair again. “You’re driving me crazy already. How many times are you going to ask the same questions? Jesus, I can hardly wait for the medicine to be done so I can start tripping and not have to listen to this shit anymore.”

 

A buzz made Cal look behind him, the red light on the cooker switching to green. “On that note, why don’t you go and lay down on the couch or something. Chill out for a bit while I add the water. Doesn’t Hank have some old records around? Why don’t you go find something to put on the turntable?” Eddie needed to calm down before the ritual could begin. Cal still had a few other things to prepare to ease Eddie into a receptive state.

 

“Sure,” Eddie mumbled, his tone sardonic. “I’ll just relax and think about you watching me screw my wife, Cal. No problem.”

 

“Well, she wasn’t your wife at the time,” Cal called out while stepping back from the steam billowing out of from the unsealed lid. “And you weren’t exactly screwing.”

 

“Great. What were we doing, then?”

 

“Um,” Cal turned to look back to where Eddie had slumped on the sofa, his expression still dour. “You know, it doesn’t matter. Like you said, we were kids. You concentrate on opening your mind and we’ll talk more when you’re ready.”

 

“You know, Sarah told me that you two had never slept with each other,” Eddie spoke up from where he was currently flipping through album sleeves in the bookcase. They both turned to look back at each other at the same time, their eyes locking from across the room. “But she said you did some stuff. I didn’t ask for details, though.”

 

“Well, I’m sure you were thrilled to be her first.”

 

But Eddie shook his head as he returned to scanning Hank’s musical library. “Nah. She’d been with someone. An older guy. She said he was from the San Diego compound and had come out to help Steve with the construction. But that he’d gone back once building got under way and she didn’t see him again. I guess it was right before I arrived.”

 

Cal was surprised. “I knew nothing of this,” he admitted. That seemed so unlike her to not confide in him about such a thing. “Did she say who? When did she tell you?”

 

Eddie turned to glance over his shoulder again as he pulled a record free, the sleeve’s edges frayed like fuzzy pipe cleaners. “When we had to unburden for the ceremony, the week before taking our vows. You know, reveal all of our sexual past, connect while stating our intentions, and all that fun stuff. She never said who it was, though.”

 

“I see.” Cal locked the lid on the slow cooker again and reset the timer. “How did your turn go?” he asked with a smirk, stirring the thin broth from one pot while noting the color of the other.

 

“Um, it was alright, I guess. She took it better than I thought.”

 

“Geez, Eddie, how long was your list?” he teased as he swung his body around, but Eddie only scowled back.

 

“Look, I told you things were fucked up with my family. We moved a lot and so I fucked around a lot, I’m not proud of it. None of it made me happy or anything.”

 

“Well, I’m sure you broke hearts every time you left another borough.”

 

“Not really,” Eddie said. He’d lifted up the cover on Hank’s console and eased back the arm from the spindle, holding a record aloft. It was a pretty ancient machine, but Hank treasured it.“There were a few girls who hung around. They kind of knew what was going on. But, you know, I always screwed things up before it got too heavy. Plus I had Me – I mean, it just never worked out. It was easier when it didn’t mean anything.” He set down the needle and immediately a mournful piano opened the tune.

 

“So Sarah was all right with that? The ones that didn’t mean anything?”

 

But Eddie stayed quiet and let the piano fill the room until a woman’s high voice started to sing.

 

_I came upon a Child of God, he was walking along the road and I asked him, where are you going, and this he told me_

“Nice,” he commented on the selection, but Eddie remained silent, shuffling back to the sofa while Cal finished up on the stove.

 

When Cal was done, he plopped into the grandfather chair and watched Eddie stretched out on the couch with his hands behind his head, Joni Mitchell coaxing them back to the garden in her pristine soprano.

 

“Are you doing okay?”

 

“Yeah,” Eddie said, not moving as he continued to gaze at the ceiling. “I’m great.”

_And I feel to be a cog in something turning, well maybe it is just the time of year, Or maybe it's the time of man, I don't know who l am, But ya know life is for learning_

Cal leaned his head back to rest against the chair and breathed in deeply, letting the music wash over him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRjQCvfcXn0 (starting at the 1:03 mark)


	3. Chapter 3

 

_***_

 

The scratchy interstice between songs broke the spell that had settled over the room. Cal’s eyes popped open at the pause. He glanced over at Eddie, still lounging on the sofa with the lingering traces of a scowl on his face. As Cal sat up, a sudden wave of nausea had him gripping the armrests.

 

“Oh, shit,” he murmured as Joni began another ode.

 

“What?” Eddie was watching him now, those brows notched in concern.

 

“Um, just thought I might be sick there for a moment,” he confessed, leaning back into the chair again.

 

“Well, don’t puke in here. You need me to carry you to the bathroom, or what?”

 

In spite of his hangover, Cal chuckled at the image of Eddie attempting to hoist him over a shoulder. “I think I can handle it. I promise I won’t throw up all over you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

“You should probably bring a bucket out here anyway. I sure as hell am gonna need one before this night is over.”

 

Cal was in no hurry to get up. “We’ve got some time.” A flash of Silas’s face – in a state of shock, the blood already pumping from his neck – shattered his momentary peace. He jerked his head to gawk behind him. There was no one there, of course.

 

“What’s up with you?” Eddie grumbled.

 

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Cal turned back to Eddie with his heart in his throat. “I told you, I’ve got this under control now.”

 

“Sure.” Eddie didn’t look convinced. “So … you want to tell me what went on with your mom that got you drinking again?” He cocked an eyebrow. “I mean, that must have been some visit.”

 

But Brenda was the last thing Cal was willing to discuss, even if it was a rehashing of what had gone on several weeks back. And he had no idea what Sarah might have shared with Eddie about that day, so it seemed prudent not to repeat any of it.

 

“I really don’t want to go over it all again. I prefer to just leave it alone, okay?” he insisted. “Besides,” he added in an upbeat note. “We’re here to talk about you.”

 

“Yeah, you’re doing a great job of that so far,” Eddie said. “A+, if the plan is to piss me off.”

 

“No, that is not the plan. But I need you to work with me on this. Stop being antagonistic and we may get somewhere tonight. I think we could both use a breakthrough.”

 

“I don’t know. I feel like I’ve said all there is to say. I don’t know what you want from me, Cal. Aside from my wife.”

 

“I’m the one trying to help you _keep_ her. Face it, Eddie. I’m all you’ve got in your corner, right now.”

 

Eddie sat up violently, his anger back in full force. “You threaten to tell her about Alison, and now I’m supposed to believe you’re on my side? Just trying to help out? You know, you really perfected the art of bullshitting while you were in San Diego; I’ve got to commend you. I don’t remember you being quite so full of it before.”

 

Cal felt his heart fluttering as his own sickly rage flared up. “I am being honest with you,” he said sharply. “I’m your fucking salvation. Stop shitting on this.”

 

“Is that why _you_ wanted to be my guide for 7R?” Eddie’s forehead creased as he squinted at Cal. “You thought you were going to save me?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I have been your guide?”

 

Eddie appeared dubious. “You tell me. Sarah thought it was weird. She was expecting it to be Silas.”

 

 _I’ve traveled a long way, Calvin_. Cal swatted at the air by his head to push the voice away. “Silas has been busy,” he said, his voice flat. “Besides, with our history, I’m clearly the better candidate.”

 

Eddie’s laugh was more of a cough. “Right. History.”

 

It was maddening how Eddie could be so dismissive of the past when Cal had tried so hard, had put aside his jealousies and gave every effort to be a friend. How could he view those memories with such scorn?

 

“Yes. Let’s talk about that, okay? Because I think that’s where we need to start.”

 

“Why, have you got more of your creepy stalker stories to share?” Eddie sneered, his tongue rolling into his cheek.

 

“No, I mean seeing your brother. What triggered that, you think? Maybe that’s where we need to begin.” Cal let out a long stream of breath, an exhaust pipe to his growing frustration.

 

“I don’t want to talk about Johnny,” Eddie said brusquely. He leaned back against the sofa with legs wide, his features hardening to stone.

 

“I think you have to, Eddie. He came to you for a reason. Maybe it’s time to let him go.”

 

Eddie stood up with fists clenched. “Fuck off,” he snarled. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, alright?” He slapped his chest. “This is my damage. It’s _mine_. I’ll deal with it.”

 

“You know that’s not how it works. In fact, it was the entire point of your 6R retreat. We _all_ deal with that damage of yours, one way or another. And so you really need to let me to help you with this, Eddie.” Cal held up a hand, fingers outstretched. “It’s like your family is here, and you,” he spread his other hand, palm out, towards the front window. “You’re over here, Eddie, still disconnected, still in pain. And what’s happened because of that? You lied about what you saw in Peru, you lied about Miranda, and to be honest, I don’t think that’s where it ends. I think you’ve been lying to us all for a long time. Steve tried to guide you, but you’ve always kept the real origin of your trauma locked away, haven’t you?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Eddie stalked closer to where Cal sat, his hands still curled into angry fists. “What is this really about, Cal? Why’d you drag me out here?”

 

The cagier Eddie got, the calmer Cal felt. He had the other man unsettled now and seeing Eddie emotionally scrambled gave Cal the control he needed. This had been the right move. He would step into Silas’ domain and he would save Eddie. There had to be a reason for the madness, and Eddie would help him discover it.

 

“I told you why,” he said patiently. “I’ve been straight with you, Eddie. I’m simply asking for you to return the gesture. I need to have you in the right state for the medicine to work the way we hope, so while asking you to drag out old haunts might feel intrusive it’s a necessary step in the process. Now, tell me why you think Johnny came to you in that vision. Why is he the messenger?”

 

“Ah, Jesus! Again with this? You’re worse than Sarah,” he raged, stomping over to the record player. Joni’s voice was cut off in mid warble, the needle scratching the vinyl in a cricket’s chirr. Eddie began to hastily remove the record in a fit of pique.

 

“Sarah asks you about this?” Cal found that intriguing. Sarah had never shared any of Eddie’s past with him, only ever alluding to the stories that had been revealed during their youthful late-nights. But he’d always assumed Sarah had managed to penetrate Eddie’s defenses at some point. Eddie had been much more forthcoming back then, yet there had still been areas of his past that remained mysterious. It had been the one thing he’d looked forward to in directing Eddie’s 7R training – the chance to finally get the full picture.

 

“And did you unburden? Fully?”

 

Eddie turned away, walking back to the bookcase to slide the album back through the indent he’d left open. “Mostly,” he mumbled. After a moment, he swung a look over his shoulder towards Cal. “There’s probably stuff that’s just better for her not to hear,” he explained. “She already thinks all IS are hopeless, and that goes especially double for my folks.”

 

Cal vaguely recalled that Eddie’s dad was a builder who often left the family for long stretches. It had sounded like the man had been abusive to his sons and he had immediately felt a connection to Eddie back then. He’d had enough restraint not to push for details Eddie hadn’t been ready to give, knowing intimately how that shame was pervasive. But now he recalled Steve’s words – that committing to another person’s wounds, past, present and future, was the most rewarding experience one could have in this life. Cal saw a sudden image of Mary from that night in the barn, on her knees and ready to pay worship to him.

 

“What did you tell her?”

 

Eddie let out a heavy sigh. “Just … look, she knows I had problems before Johnny killed himself. Things I told her about my mother, and you know, the beatings my dad used to give us. It was messed up, okay? But that’s all in the past. I’ve made my peace with it, just like Steve said I should.”

 

“What specifically did you tell her about your mother?” Cal knew he was being dogged but he had to push Eddie, he had to fill up this place with another’s ghosts so he wouldn’t have to listen to his own.

 

There was a roll of his eyes as Eddie glared at the ceiling. “God, you are fucking … you’re just not going to let go of this, are you?” He flumped back down on the couch again. “I told her about stuff that happened when I was a kid, alright? What do you want me to say?”

 

Cal remained coolly expectant. His hands sat in his lap and he spread them wide to prompt something more from Eddie. “Tell me what you told her. What kind of stuff?”

 

“Ah, fuck. That – that my mother was sick. Like, she had a disorder. We never really talked about her diagnosis, but Johnny was convinced she was bipolar, you know? The behavior sort of fit. It was probably more than that, though, on account of the hallucinations.”

 

“Hallucinations?” Cal’s pulse quickened.

 

“Yeah. She used to … she had these spells.”

 

“Spells? What kind of spells?”

 

“Just episodes she’d have. She’d start seeing things in the room, or around me and my brother. Like … when I was really young. She almost drowned me in the bathtub once. On purpose.” Eddie scratched at the crown of his head, looking distinctly uncomfortable.” “Um, I guess I was maybe five, or six. Johnny had to pull her off of me because she was holding me under the water. She told him that I, uh … that I had flames all over my head; that she was trying to save me from being burned alive. But who knows what she really saw.”

 

“Did you ever ask her about it? When you were older?” Cal’s breath caught in his throat.

 

Eddie gave another deep sigh before it devolved into a troubled laugh. “Uh, sure. I mentioned it several years later. She said that I was the devil. That I had come to destroy her. That she had to … to purify me.” He rubbed at his eyes with his thumb and forefinger like pincers. “I told you, it was babble. She routinely avoided her meds and we were too young to deal with her while my dad was gone. Johnny tried, though.”

 

“Was she religious?”

 

“You could say that,” Eddie offered ambiguously. Cal stared back hard enough until Eddie relented. “Okay, sure. We went to church when she was doing well. Both Johnny and I did some time as altar boys.”

 

“Really? You never told me that,” Cal said in surprise. He had learned from Steve that those who came to the movement having rejected their families’ religion were much more open to what Meyerism offered. It was easier to supplant new rituals over old ones.

 

“Yeah, well … Steve knew. Knows.” He eyed Cal critically. “He told me once that I was lucky to have escaped the church. That my brother hadn’t been as fortunate.”

 

“Do you believe that?”

 

“I did. Now, I don’t know anymore.” Eddie stared down at his open palms as if they were covered with blood. “I don’t know what I believe. What’s the truth and what’s bullshit?” He glanced to Cal. “You sure as hell aren’t going to tell me.”

 

“I _am_ telling you the truth,” Cal insisted. “What would I have to gain by lying?”

 

“What did you have to gain by having Alison Kemp followed and terrorized all over the country? Don’t exactly share those kinds of stories at Gathering, though, huh?”

 

“Well, I was trying to get back our forty thousand dollars, I told you –”

 

“That money was in her account, Cal. She didn’t steal it. Why don’t you try telling me what it was doing there in the first place? You had her husband going back and forth to Lima every few weeks. Tell me something real about that and maybe I’ll be willing to trust you.”

 

“Look, whatever was going on was between Steve and Jason Kemp. This is UR stuff, I can’t divulge that information; you know that. But I assure you it has nothing to do with what you think you saw.” Eddie made a noise of disgust in his throat, his eyes branding holes in the wall as he chewed at his lip. “Anyway, this is getting us away from what we’re here to talk about, which is you, Eddie, and what your visions of your brother are supposed to mean. I really think we can work this out if you just remain focused. Once you take the medicine, this is going to come right back to the surface, and so you need to be prepared this time.”

 

“What do you mean, prepared?”

 

“I mean, what are you going to ask him if he comes to you again? What are you hoping to find out? Is it the … is it the mystery behind his suicide that you’re hoping to solve? You need to know why he did it so you can finally find some peace? Maybe this is what you were meant to take away from 6R, Eddie. This acceptance can only strengthen your path.”

 

But Eddie was shaking his head. “No, I already asked. It’s not that.”

 

“You asked what?”

 

“I asked him – Johnny – what he wanted from me, and he took me to see Steve. That message couldn’t have been any clearer. Yet when I asked Silas if I could talk to Steve, he told me he was too busy. And he completely avoided looking me in the eye when he said it. Does that sound like Silas to you?”

 

 _They want me here less than you_ _do, Calvin._

 

“This isn’t about Silas,” Cal argued loudly, drowning out the voice. “I think you’re avoiding a deep wound, Eddie. You’ve been afraid to look at it, but until you do, you’ll never be able to rise above the seventh rung. This is going to change everything, I really believe that. How you feel about your faith, how you feel about the movement. It’s all twisted up in this block inside of you that has been there for _years_ , so long that its calcified, but you’ve finally reached a point where the Light is forcing you to chisel it away, to allow yourself to be free of this guilt so that you can move _on_.” Cal felt revived by his own words, believing in its message. If only Steve could hear them, if he would give Cal a sign that he forgave these transgressions that continued to befall his Chosen Son.

 

“I think I have, though. I mean, moved on. I let go of that stuff back before Summer was born.”

 

“Well then, you’ve been deluding yourself,” Cal charged, sitting forward in his seat to rest his elbows on his knees. “Miranda told me how you wept for your brother, Eddie. That you were devastated. Seeing him brought it all right back, didn’t it?” he asked softly.

 

But Eddie grinned nastily, with an arch of an eyebrow. “You want to know what brought it all _back_? Being stuck in a room for two weeks getting mentally worn down until I thought I was gonna lose my fucking mind. Chugging green juice until I started seeing shit all over again. Things like Johnny hanging from a cord over the kitchen table. So … thanks for that,” he grimaced.

 

“You put yourself in there, Eddie. I had nothing to do with it.”

 

“Right. So Sarah running to you with every little development on the whole affair, asking you to have Miranda picked up and brought here? Miranda passing out while my wife played warden?  You think none of that had anything to do with you? Just admit it, Cal, you wanted to play white knight for Sarah.”

 

The conversation turning back to old jealousies had Cal gritting his teeth again. He stood up with a gasp. “Oh come on! _Enough_ , already. I’m going to check on the brew. You need to decide once and for all if you’re going to get serious about this. You said you’d cooperate, Eddie. So let’s just keep Sarah out of this and maybe we can achieve some kind of actual breakthrough before this night is over. Christ, no wonder you drove Richard spare. This is proof, right here, why you were having these doubts to begin with. You are closed off, Eddie. You’ve refused the Light entry. You’ve refused to open up to your wife, to me, even to Steve, probably. You’ve become this wall, protecting whatever it is that keeps you in _their_ world.” He pointed towards the window, extending two fingers poised like a gun to all that went on beyond the compound’s borders. “Do you really want to go back there? You think anyone out there gives a shit about you? Think about that, Eddie, and then let’s find out who’s really the bullshitter.”

 

He made his way back to the kitchen, the silence behind him satisfying as Eddie was without a snappy comeback for once. Cal still felt ill, his limbs moving through mud as he raised his arms to pull off the lids on every bubbling pot. The smell of the vine assailed him and Cal swayed against the counter, the nausea rising up once more. He gagged it back and put a hand over his nose and mouth, grabbing a spoon with the other to tend to the now blackish liquid. The first batch was ready to be strained and Cal took the pot off its burner to cool. He turned to head back to the sitting room where his rucksack held a few sheets of cheesecloth for the preparation but almost walked right into Eddie. Both men leapt backwards and Cal rammed his hip into the handle of a drawer.

 

“Oh, shit. Sorry,” Eddie apologized, looking embarrassed.

 

“I didn’t even feel it,” Cal said, waving it off. He kept his eyes locked on Eddie’s.

 

“Look, I _don’t_ want to go back out there. Okay? I want to remain with my family, in my home. I want to do good work. I want to believe that we help people, Cal. It’s just that I can’t … it’s not that easy for me to just revisit this stuff. I mean, look what one day with your mother did to you. I get that, alright? I know how where you come from can do a number on you, no matter how many years go by. If _you_ can’t get through it and you’re 10R? How the hell am I supposed to make it? So maybe you can just take it a little easy on me? I told you I’ll take the medicine. I’m not going to fight you anymore.”

 

Cal was stunned for a moment. “Well … great. That’s really great. Thank you. I’m not – it’s not meant to be easy. I understand that. We all go through it. I didn’t ask you here to fight, either. I want to help you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Eddie.”

 

“So, uh … maybe some sacred herb can just relax me a little before we start this? You know, I’ve just been so stressed.”

 

Cal shook his head vigorously, feeling suddenly lighter as Silas’s teachings came swarming back to him. “Oh, no, no, no. We don’t want you comatose. I have the _mapacho_ , so you can smoke some of that when we’re closer to beginning.” He grinned back at Eddie. “I want you relaxed, but we want to keep the space around you positive. We need to evacuate any toxic energy you have. The herb can take you to some dark places if you’re not careful.”

 

“Seriously? You’re going the whole nine yards? I think the weed will do just fine.”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Eddie. Silas was always adamant about that.” He caught himself, realizing he was referring to Silas in the past tense. “I mean, back when he was educating me on how to do this. Tell me you didn’t smoke cannabis at the retreat. That might have been the problem.”

 

“I did what Silas told me to do. The diet wasn’t a big change, but no booze, no sex, you know, nothing he didn’t allow. We all smoked plenty, though. Of course, that all started days before the ceremony. Didn’t you say we’ve still got like four hours before the brew is ready? The point is to let me unwind now so that I’m more receptive later, right?”

 

“Okay, fine,” he said in exasperation. “Do whatever you want. But first, I’m going to need you to help me with the run off. You can hold the cloth while I run the liquid through. We need to do both pots and drain them into the slow cooker.”

 

Eddie looked around at the counter and the stove with his nostrils flared. “Great. It smells disgusting in here.”

 

“It is foul,” Cal agreed. “But let’s get it done quickly and then we can both take it easy for a few hours.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“How are you feeling, Eddie? Better?”

 

He’d moved Eddie to the floor between the sofa and the pot belly stove in an effort to get him more comfortable.  Cal sat cross-legged at the coffee table, close to Eddie, as he hand-rolled the thick cigarettes to use for the ritual.

 

“You keep asking me that,” Eddie mumbled from where he lay on the rug. “I’m feeling fine, alright?”

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear it. We want this evening to be one of self-discovery and recommitment. I want you to think of yourself as a lantern, Eddie. You need your wick to be set aflame and to feel yourself burn bright again.”

 

It was quiet for a moment, only the snap of the wood in the stove making conversation. Cal could see smoke spiraling up from the end of the table where Eddie was toking on his joint.

 

“Um. Sure, okay,” came his tepid response. “Can I ask you something, though?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“What if … what if this doesn’t work? What if I don’t see Johnny, or the medicine doesn’t change anything? What happens then?”

 

“It _will_ work. You’re going to see a lot of things, Eddie. The _aya_ will talk to you and she’ll show you what you need to understand. I’m telling you, you only got half of your message. The experience is supposed to be healing.” It occurred to Cal that Silas must have already been stoking doubt in his followers during the retreat, that he had somehow infected Eddie with his negative ideas about the movement dying along with Steve. It had to be the only explanation available to account for Eddie’s vision.

 

“ _She’s_ going to show me, huh? You sound like Silas.” Eddie sat up to set his joint at the corner of a ceramic dish that functioned as an ashtray and gave Cal an inquisitive look. “So, when you were on the medicine, what kind of things did you see?”

 

The question gave him pause. He had vivid recollections of his first experience, but they were all tied up in Silas and Steve and it wouldn’t do well to think of either man now. His focus had to remain on Eddie.

 

“Um, lots of things. Whole new worlds … _galaxies_ , even.  It was amazing. I … I learned a lot about myself. Dropped so much baggage that I had been carrying for too long. And each time after that, there was a hurdle that I was able to overcome. It just has a way of delineating what’s really the issue, of where those wounds are festering –”

 

“You’re telling me a bunch of psychobabble,” Eddie cut in. “I asked what you _saw_.”

 

“Well, I’ve gone under a few more times since then. I can’t recall what came with each vision exactly, but it’s all pretty profound.”

 

“Fine, don’t tell me then,” Eddie said with a raise of his eyebrows. He picked up his joint to take another inhale and held the smoke while he spoke. “I’m sure they were wild.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Cal stopped his rolling to watch Eddie blow out a long white plume in his direction.

 

“Nothing. It means nothing at all, Cal.”

 

“Well, you do see some crazy things. But the idea is that all of your senses are opened. The pathways to your brain are opened. And then the universe comes rushing in and you are suddenly –”

 

“Yeah, I heard all this once before,” Eddie interrupted again. “I get it. I was just expecting something a little more personal. You know, how you dealt with family shit. Sarah thinks …” He went quiet for a moment, staring hard at the burning end of his joint. “Sarah saw a vision of Hawk, she said. She believed the medicine brought him back to us. Before he was even born.”

 

“What do you mean, brought him back?”

 

Eddie sighed. “Um, you know, we didn’t hear his heart beating for a few weeks. She thought she’d lost the baby. It was … it was hard on her. We hadn’t even been married six months. When she said she was still going on the retreat, I tried to talk her out of it. I expected the worst, but Sarah … Sarah never lost faith.”

 

“Well, that is Sarah.” Cal smiled at the memory of Sarah taking her vows, how she’d practically glowed from the stage. He suddenly recalled his own ceremony, the hope that he’d harbored that day for his father to make his return. But the next time he saw the man, he would be lying in a box. He looked down at his finished _mapacho_ cigarettes in single file next to each other. Three would be plenty.

 

“You should get back down on the floor,” he said. “It looks like you’ve calmed down a bit. Let’s get you in a thoughtful place. I can put some music back on, if you’d like.” He moved to get up, but Eddie waved him off.

 

“Nah. I’m good. I thought we had another three hours to go.”

 

But Cal wanted Eddie to keep talking. “It shouldn’t be quite that long, but in the meantime, we can do some prep work.”

 

“Prep work?”

 

“Yeah. I have to go over some questions, first, but then we’ll do a little ceremonial massage, a little smoke, um, perhaps some chanting?”

 

Eddie gave him a surprised look. “Seriously? You’re going to sing me some of Silas’s _icarios?_ Wow, you really do mean business, don’t you?”

 

“Well.” Cal looked behind him to the record collection in the bookcase. “I don’t have to do the singing if you don’t want to listen to me, but I’m pretty sure Hank still had some recordings here.”

 

“Oh, no. I’m going to have to hear you sing them,” Eddie insisted with a sneaking grin. “We want to make it authentic, after all. Isn’t that what you said?” The grin went wide, his eyes dancing with the flames from the fire.

 

“I’m so glad you can find this all so amusing,” Cal said snidely.

 

“Oh, but I don’t, really. I don’t find any of this amusing.”

 

Eddie’s tone brought Cal up short and he had a sudden moment of concern. He hadn’t ever had to guide anyone through the _aya_ on his own. He’d always had either Silas or Steve to watch him. Cal was expecting Eddie’s experience to be fairly easy to monitor but if there were any complications, he literally had no one to assist. He was risking a lot.

 

“Okay. Well … let’s do the questions first. Um, you didn’t eat anything like I asked, right?”

 

“Uh, no, I had to eat _something_. You told me nothing about what we’d be doing or why I shouldn’t eat, so I was starving to death by the time I left the office. I had some dried apple chips, nothing major.”

 

“All right, I’m sure that will be fine. How about the … well, the sex? Are we talking recent, or maybe some time has elapsed with all of the Miranda Frank business?”

 

Eddie stared back balefully. “Recent,” he replied blandly.

 

“Oh. Okay. How recently?”

 

“Last night.”

 

He couldn’t be jealous of these things. Cal knew how passionate Sarah could be. He’d seen it. Of course she would have sex with Eddie often. They had two children together. But it still somehow felt like a betrayal to hear they’d been intimate while he had been … well, god, what had he been doing right at their moment of copulation? Had he been throwing Silas into a trunk? Or frantically digging into Eddie’s leftover hole, laid out for Cal as though it had been some twisted premonition? What had Cal been doing to Silas’s body as Eddie and Sarah were thrusting into each other’s? Cal didn’t want to think about any of it, but his mind refused to leave the images alone.

 

“I see. Well, I suppose we’ll need to do a little more cleansing then. So, why don’t you lie down and I’ll get one of the cigarettes lit.” At this point, he was eager for the nicotine rush.

 

“Silas didn’t blow smoke on me till I was already under. Are you going off book here or are you confused?”

 

“No, no, it’s fine,” he said. “I’m starting early to get you receptive, like we’ve been discussing. You can smoke with me. Clear your head. It will be relaxing, trust me.” Cal recalled all of the advice from the _tabaqueros_ during his early initiations, before the center had even been purchased. He needed a cleansing, too. A ritual of his own to push out the bad spirits and let the healing run its course. Even Silas would agree with that.

 

Eddie went to lie back on the floor again but Cal had an idea.

 

“Wait. You might as well take your shirt off.”

 

Eddie froze in mid stretch. “What?”

 

But Cal realized he needed some contact. He’d been feeling that need all night. Just to be able to run his hands on Eddie’s back would ground him, would help him be cleansed of death. He needed his hands on living tissue, on the heat of muscle and flesh.

 

“I’ll give you a good rub down while we’re waiting,” he explained. “This will help, trust me.” He stood up suddenly to get the oils from his satchel.

 

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Eddie appeared ready to contest these new instructions, but Cal smiled warmly.

 

“Of course. Don’t worry, Eddie. We can both use this.”

 

There was a pause as Eddie looked across Cal’s face, but whatever he saw seemed to snap him into action. “Okay, whatever,” he breathed. His fingers pulled at the top button of his shirt and made quick work of the rest. He slipped off the flannel and then grabbed at the hem of his t-shirt. “I suppose you meant all of it?” he asked in a sigh.

 

“All of it, Eddie.”

 

 

 


End file.
